This post is long and bloggy and unrelated to weddings.
So I have been seeing a counselor about my ADHD all semester. Talking about strategies for over coming it and working with my brain. This has been helpful, but only to a point. She asked me at the beginning of the process how I felt about medication (which she would have to refer me to someone to be screened for and is a process) and I said I wasn't convinced I wanted it. I got this far without it and I am leary of becoming dependent on a medication in lieu of changing my own behaviors. Stephen was on adderall for a while, and we have access to it, even though we are uninsured. He stopped taking it because he was having a bad reaction, and it has just been sitting here.
This week I started taking it. Oh. My. God. I am not sure I can accurately explain the difference it makes. This has been a historically productive week for me. I went to all of my classes. I paid attention in them. I participated in a group meeting, and remembered what we talked about. I completed two 1,000 word essays and feel good about how I did on them. I made a Halloween costume. I did all of this and I got a full night's sleep every night (except for the one where I went to a party). Also I didn't have to cut myself off from the internet or avoid watching any TV. I made a number of massive posts here, and watched a few TV shows. Doing these things over 4 days should not be impressive, but for me it is unheard of. That Ursala skirt is the first sewing project I have managed to finish in years.
That said, I don't feel like my productivity is due to increased energy. Like I said, I was not saying up late or anything, I was actually going to bed exhausted at the end of the day, but exhausted because I did things, not because I was tired of facing the world because everything was too difficult to do.
I describe my mind as a series of channels, like on a mixing board. Each channel is devoted to something different, a song in my head, my to do list, the paper I am trying to read, the outline of the paper I am writing about the one I am reading, what is the internet doing? and so on. I see myself as having 5-7 channels on at all times, and I usually have a lot of trouble controlling which ones are loudest, so I flip between them. When I get distracted I have a very hard time telling myself to change back to the important channel. This means things that take prolonged concentration are hopeless for me. I always fail at sewing because when I re-start a project I can't concentrate long enough to figure out what I was doing and what I need to do next. When I do homework I have a lot of trouble just doing homework.
I have a few ways I cope with this. First I spend a lot of time prepping myself to do things. I need a lot of 'ready, set...' before I can 'go'. If I am going to write a paper I spend a lot of time talking it though in my head while driving or walking or showering, or some other activity that quietly uses a bunch of channels, before I can sit in front of the computer and make it my primary focus. Once I am there I try and occupy my other channels. One way I do this that is problematic is I eat. If I am snacking that keeps part of my brain quietly busy so I am not distracted. I also find that if I feel panic I can devote more channels to the task at hand. They might not all be doing the same thing; I will hop from one source essay to the next typing part of one body paragraph and the racing off to find a citation for the fact two paragraphs earlier, but they will at least be related to the paper. Most of my writing is done at the last minute in an almost manic state where I am alone, with non distracting music on eating, and frantically pulling things together. It gets things done, but it leaves me exhausted and unable to edit my work. I don't think I have reviewed or rewritten a paper in years. This means they are never my best possible work.
On the adderall I feel like there might be fewer channels, but more importantly than that I feel like I can control which ones are loudest. So when I am writing and I suddenly want to go see if anyone has answered my post yet, I can tell myself no, and check it later. I seemed to still be doing two things at once, but only two. And when I needed to switch I could just say "stop, go back to work".
I am still not entirely convinced that it works and is not just some placebo effect kicking my ass into gear so I have arranged to do a double blind study on myself comparing it to a caffeine pill, with Stephen's help. But until we do that, I am just going to enjoy my ability to be productive and enjoy this hopeful feeling.
To graduate on time I need to take a full load of classes (4) next semester AND have an internship. I have never even successfully taken 4 classes at a time. In community college I always dropped one of them, in undergrad I always "pass/failed" one (meaning I only had to get a c+ and no grade appeared on my transcript and I always got a c+/b-) and last year in grad school I took 3 classes first semester and withdrew from one of my 4 second semester. I have also never been able to work anything more than 8 hours a week at more than the most menial of jobs while taking three classes, or I just fall apart. My last semester of undergrad I had 2 graded classes, one p/f and one paper to write and I worked 10 hours a week at a call center. I just passed the p/f, I got a b- in one of the graded classes and I turned my thesis in one week late with no edits and no input from my adviser.
If adderall is really helping me like I think it is, I feel like I could actually take 4 classes and do an internship, you know, like most of my cohort have been doing for 3 semesters now without a problem.
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Topic: Re: Blog Thread IIIb : Look Who's Blogging Now (Read 248464 times)