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[LTK]

Fucking hell, I literally worked round the clock today. That's not at all what I'd wanted to do on my birthday.

[Zingoleb]

I spent my birthday watching Fight Club with a pretty girl. (It was originally scheduled to happen the night before, but in a unique fit of irony, I was dissociating too heavily to go see her.)

[Welu]

That's a good way to spend a birthday.

I don't know if it's the cold or season change or workload but I'm so drained lately. I don't usually have issues with SAD, at least not in Autumn/Winter. I tend to have my low moods in the Spring.

[nekowafer]

I got four hours of sleep early this morning, woke up, freaked out until I threw up, and called out of work. Then I had to do some training from home and that was an amazingly stressful two hours of my life. And then I took the bus to see my psychiatrist, and I had a panic attack in his office. Then my boyfriend came over and we took a nap, and then he went home.

It's been a weird day.

[jwhouk]

Okay, I really have to ask: what is the definition of "freaking out"?

I mean, I'm a child of the 70's (sorta), so I immediately think of Le Chic. But what exactly does it consist of?

Not trying to make anyone uncomfortable, but I suspect my image (running around like Curly in an old Three Stooges short) isn't quite what it looks like.

[nekowafer]

A panic attack. Usually of the variety where I can't breathe, I'm crying uncontrollably, and everything is wrong in my life.

[Carl-E]

Actually, the running around like Curly thing is more like what you feel you body's doing, without you doing it.  Heightened adrenaline, shortness of breath... It's a fear reaction with little, if any, discernible trigger.  You just want to crawl out of your skin. 

I had several when I was in my teens.  I guess I got lucky and "grew out" of it.  My daughter suffers from them ever since she was attacked, and is on medication for it. 

[Barmymoo]

I don't usually refer to it as freaking out, but over the summer I had a fairly awful night each month where I would just feel a sense of blind panic, and pace around feeling really, really horrible and not quite being able to believe that the feeling would go away, and therefore wanting to die. Since it's stopped happening now that I've switched back to my old brand of Pill I'm fairly sure it was predominantly hormonal, for which I am incredibly grateful because I couldn't have coped with that every month.

[nekowafer]

Yeah I'm not sure where I picked up the term but I use it a lot. And that blind panic is something I experience often. It's incredibly frustrating.

[Redball]

A panic attack. Usually of the variety where I can't breathe, I'm crying uncontrollably, and everything is wrong in my life.

To jwhouk's question, I was imagining what a visual answer might be, perhaps even with a reference to someone in the comic. When you're freaking out, do you sit down, pace, go to bed and pull the covers over your head or all of the above? Hope the question's not intrusive.

[nekowafer]

Generally I curl up in a ball wherever I can sit or lay down. I also try to hug a cat or cute boy.

[VonKleist]

Laying flat down on the ground is oddly soothing to me.

[lepetitfromage]

I second the lying down thing. Curling up into the fetal position can be soothing to me too.

[Barmymoo]

I found myself leaning against walls a lot this summer. It helped to have someone hugging me, but I convinced myself that no one would want to be near me so I couldn't ask, and of course no one knew that I was feeling that way because I was hiding.

[Thrillho]

Having a first world problem.

Friday night I'm going out with some people from work, plus my new housemate who moves in tomorrow.

It'll be my first night out since my marriage fell apart, and in fact it's been a couple of months before that since I had one too.

I was quite looking forward to... quite frankly, getting drunk out of my mind and waking up next to someone I don't recognise.

And then... somehow the office gossip has been invited along and now I feel like if I do anything even slightly untoward the entire office will know about it soon after.

Sigh.

[Lines]

Well, still go out and have a good time, just maybe go home alone after. Maybe non-work friends and/or your housemate can take you out again sometime soon and then you can have the other half you were looking forwards to?

[BeoPuppy]

Wake up next to the gossip. Problem solved.

[Thrillho]

Wake up next to the gossip. Problem solved.

1. Have you seen this chick?

2. She has a boyfriend

3. I actually do like her boyfriend

4. Have you seen this chick?

[BeoPuppy]

Serves her right for being a gossip.

[Thrillho]

Yeah, but have you seen this chick?

[Lines]

No! Actually we haven't! 

[Carl-E]

Pics, or it didn't...

Oh, wait.  Nevermind. 

[Patrick]

Tonight I ran into the girl I dated shortly after I moved back to this town in 2010. She and I had fantastic chemistry back then, and despite this being the first time we've really talked in over a year (some real shit happened), that much hasn't changed. I have her number again. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm glad we're on "we can talk and be friendly" terms again. She's really a great person and we just had bad timing as far as being friends is concerned. And being honest, as far as being lovers is concerned, our timing was terrible for that too.

I've got mixed but mostly positive feelings about this. Some of my feelings are on the "You've made mistakes that started out this way before" side but I've sobered up pretty dramatically since then.

I'll never understand myself enough.

[VonKleist]

Ugh.. I´m such a jerk.

I was looking for a song I had recorded some years ago and couldn't find it in my files. I realized I must have sent it to my then gf via email so it should still be somewhere on my account. I deleted all of "our" mails but not the ones from the "Sent" folder, so I went looking.

So of course I couldn't find the damn file and in addition I´m depressed from reading the stupid shit from back then and asking myself why I can't fucking forget that damn person despite it being nearly 3 years. It just frustrates the fuck out of me.
I keep reminding myself that it already got loads better and I can forget about the whole thing most of the time but then some small thing comes up that reminds me how it was and I get hot-cold and my inside turns to ice.

On the other hand this shit has become so fucking mundane to me that I can't even remember how I felt before.
But then I do remember that I was even more depressed before.
But also less because I didn't have anything to miss or look forward to.
Blagh.
Time to get drunk.

[Pilchard123]

I've got mixed but mostly positive feelings about this. Some of my feelings are on the "You've made mistakes that started out this way before" side but I've sobered up pretty dramatically since then.

I have no doubt that you've made just as many good choices that started this way before as well.

[Carl-E]

Ugh.. I´m such a jerk.

I was looking for a song I had recorded some years ago and couldn't find it in my files. I realized I must have sent it to my then gf via email so it should still be somewhere on my account. I deleted all of "our" mails but not the ones from the "Sent" folder, so I went looking.

So of course I couldn't find the damn file and in addition I´m depressed from reading the stupid shit from back then and asking myself why I can't fucking forget that damn person despite it being nearly 3 years.

That's what email search engines are for.  Don't do that to yourself! 

[lepetitfromage]

Bluhhhhhh, blog threadddd my head hurtssssssss

I'm not entirely sure what I did (or didn't do) but something is making my head hurt in the exact same way it hurt when I first started wearing my splint. My head feels......tight. Or full. I just feel a ridiculous amount of pressure between my temples. It feels a bit like my head is going to explode. Fun, huh?

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this with all of you, I think I just need to be whiney for a little while.

[Zingoleb]

asking myself why I can't fucking forget that damn person despite it being nearly 3 years. It just frustrates the fuck out of me.

Right? I feel obsessed - it's been three years and five days since she left me, and I'm still pining for her. I recognise it's unhealthy, that I'm idealising her, and that she's really not that good a person, but I'm still thinking about her a lot.

For what it's worth, the only reason I know the day she left me was because it was my nineteeth birthday.

Laying flat down on the ground is oddly soothing to me.

Cleaning is soothing to me when I'm alone. If I'm around people I have to go the crazy kid route and put on my white noise headphones and rock myself - I probably look like some autistic stereotype, but it works pretty great.

[Welu]

... I can't fucking forget that damn person despite it being nearly 3 years. It just frustrates the fuck out of me.

Same feels here, even got bitter a couple days ago in the Relationship Thread. Been over three years and I'm grand 99% of the time but every once in a while a memory comes back from nowhere and I feel nearly as crap as I did back then. Like you I just have to remind myself things are way better now.

You'll never forget a person that had such an impact on you but over time the feeling of the impact lessens, then the memory of the feeling of the impact lessens. At least that's how it's going for me.

~ ~

In happier news, I just finished editing a wee film I did for college! Analytical thing about film trailers over the years. It's nothing amazing but I'm still quite proud. Especially because the neighbour, the one that blares dance music with his windows open, banged on the walls at one point

(click to show/hide)

(He actually did it twice I realized while watching back the footage.)

and I started to feel anxious but managed to think, "Screw 'em. I've got work to do." and got it done! Even managed to speak above a mumbled whisper after a few takes.
It's not even due till Monday. I'm friggin' delighted.

[VonKleist]

YOu keep on doing your art nom<atter who bangs on the ceiling/floor

http://kiwi6.com/file/3v0cnga7g3

I´ll sing my little heart out.

[BeoPuppy]

I tried banging on the ceiling but I kept falling off.

Also, birthday. Also, kid in lap, stealing my coconut-straciatella pudding. ("Wat heerlijk, pudding.")

[VonKleist]

Happy Birthday, then!!



Good lord. I feel like I drank a bottle of turpentine.
Also I don't usually black out when I drink but I guess I get points for sleeping on the train for 3 hours straight and not getting robbed or even disturbed in my slumber. Luckily the train just goes back and forth and I awoke near my city.

So, friend's girlfriends birthday-party.
I had a good time. Got some weed, tried to convince my one friend who almost never joins us to come along to the party, but of course he didn't want to. Hung out with him for a bit more at another friend's house (who is sort of my dealer but also a friend from way back) and got really, really high and went on to the festivities.
It was a bit awkward at first because everyone kept talking about work (most of them people have something to do with craft [trade? handcraft? I found no translation that fit] or constructiony stuff) but that was okay. Two of ex-girlfriends of my pals showed up unexpectedly. Both of which I was totally into at one time or another.. there may have been some flirting.. but she said I´d have to get rid of my mustache. Meh, would be unethical anyway.

All in all it was a pretty good night and well worth the massive hangover.

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday so is more celebrating ahead tonight O.o

[bainidhe_dub]

Yesterday was my sister's birthday and also the last day of NaNoWriMo. I was stressing about it because I still had 2400 words to go, but I couldn't exactly blow off dinner with my family for it. But it worked out. I ended up grabbing a present for her on the way from work to my parents' house, wrote until everyone else got there, and then after dinner, I pounded out 2,016 words in an hour and 35 minutes. If only I could have done that more often during the month, I wouldn't have been so stressed on the last day. So I managed to be properly sociable with my parents and sisters and boys-in-law, and also validated at 11:54pm with 50,215 words.

[jwhouk]

Impressive, dub!

[Zingoleb]

i shall confess here and now that I don't actually know how to look like a boy nor am I sure I ever really did short of being extra-frumpy, and as I do not wish to return to a state of utmost frumpiness, i am unsure how to look or act like a boy. this may cause Problems in the very near future but oh well

[Patrick]

Confessions thread is over there, buddy

Dear blag, band practice went fantastically today! Our drummer Paul bought a PA (since he broke up with his girlfriend, he has found himself with a lot more disposable income) and I brought my mics over, so instead of just one mic for practice, we had one for each of us! As a result, we banged out a shitload more new material than we have at any practice before. We did work on six new songs, completed probably three of them, and of those three, there's one that we only started work on today. I can't wait for the show we've got coming up this Saturday!

After practice, we went to the bar and shot a few games of pool. I was leading against Paul in our match, and he's quite the pool shark and I was feeling rather proud of myself, but the bartender was in an especially foul mood (her ex bf had been text-harrassing her all night) and closed the place early. I never got to actually earn a win against drummerboy. We've got unfinished business for next time.

[Bluesummers]

Also I don't usually black out when I drink but I guess I get points for sleeping on the train for 3 hours straight and not getting robbed or even disturbed in my slumber. Luckily the train just goes back and forth and I awoke near my city.

I rode the Metro North into NYC (a 2-hour ride), fell asleep, and during one of the stops, fell onto the floor and woke up. Everyone was staring at me...I guess the "thump" was pretty loud.

I too was not robbed...but I was challenged to fisticuffs by a drunk guy who spoke no english. MTA Police eventually dragged him off the train by his ankles.

[Barmymoo]

I've had a busy week! Term ended on Wednesday night, and I went out for cocktails (actually I had hot chocolate which is totes a dairy cocktail) to celebrate a friend not having cancer - she'd had some dodgy blood test results and panicked for a week before being told she was actually fine. Then on Thursday I hung out with some friends, sang in the first of two carol services and then hung out with my boyfriend's group of friends, who are really nice and have accepted me into their circle. I had to get up early on Friday to get a train to the BBC Good Food Show, which was HUGE and a bit overwhelming but very interesting. Then back to get changed and go to the winter ball. It was brilliant fun. I think it makes a big difference that I was there with friends and also with my boyfriend - it's the first time I've been to something like that as part of a couple. It was a bit odd because all the friends I was with have either recently split up or have partners who weren't there, so for the first time ever I was the one trying to be sensitive to the fact that not everyone had someone to slowdance with.

Saturday we slept in for ages and amusingly a friend came round at 11 (he hadn't been to the ball) and was rather embarassed to find us still in bed. Then Tom, the boy I was seeing last year, and his girlfriend and their fellow bandmate rang up and said "we're in your town, let's go for lunch!" so we did that and the Boy got to meet the ex-boy and it wasn't at all awkward which was nice. Then I went off to tutor for an hour, after which we had an evening in watching Julia Roberts DVDs. We haven't had time all term to just hang out and not have work to worry about, so it was really nice.

Sunday we went for brunch with some of the choir, then sang through a very difficult but impressively beautiful piece that one of the choir basses has written for his final year project. After that there was another carol service, followed by the choir singing an amusing Christmas song to people munching mince pies. Then we all went to a pub for dinner, and finally to bed.

Today is a day full of choir - I've snuck home in the lunch hour to plan my english lessons for this evening. Sadly I'm going to have to miss the choir carol singing and ice skating shenanigans which are half-planned, but I do need a couple of hours to myself to get things done anyway. I haven't slept in my own room since Wednesday night, which is lovely but also means my room is a sea of chaos because I've just walked in, dumped stuff, picked up clean clothes and left again.

I love choir week Lots of singing, lots of socialising, everyone is relaxed and we have time to do things.

[Redball]

Since it's a Christmas-gig group, this is the season of socializing and singing for my singers and except for the two-hour drive each way, I love it. We often go for dinner between or after gigs, sometimes both, and Saturday in a Birmingham (MI) pub, I found poutine on the menu. I don't think I'll need to try it again. It was bland.

[BeoPuppy]

[...] Julia Roberts DVDs. [...]

This was a most Notting Hillish post anyway, so I asume that was on the menu? Please? For the sake of my mental image?

[Papersatan]

Yesterday I pretended I didn't have a ton of homework and instead bought made room for and put up a Christmas tree.  Her name is Gloria.  Pics soon.

Also
I have this huge team project due, for which I took on a role that meant doing most of the work.  That is ok, I volunteered for that.  I also volunteered to write the extra sorting projects and what not, fine.  But we have a team meeting in 15 min to talk about how to process the records from the working repository into the Records center, and it looks like I am the only one who has added anything to the working repository. 

I divided all the emails and sent them to my team on Friday.  I made sure they all knew how to ingest the records. I told them to email if there were questions.  I thought it was clear that they needed to be done by today, but maybe not?  Hopefully this means they have all be working really hard on their parts of the written report.

[LTK]

All right, I've got three deadlines in three days. Today, programming; tomorrow, research proposal and Wednesday, short essay. I handled programming and research proposal like a boss and turned them in 24 hours before the deadline. That gives me the time I need to do the last one, which should be the easiest. We just have to write a short essay about a few assigned articles every week, so I expect this week to be no different.

Wait, what? You're telling me that for this week's assignment I have to choose my own topic and find my own literature? OH FOR GODS SAKE WHYYYY

[Patrick]

I've just learned that I will be seeing my favorite living non-Beatles songwriter and his band playing my favorite non-Beatles album of all time in SF in a week.

Also I am eating a chicken tender + pepper jack sandwich and drinking Mountain Dew on a sunny, marijuana hazed day off.

I am a happy little Pat today

[valley_parade]

Mikey Erg's doing a solo tour and playing Dorkrockcorkrod in entirety?

[Patrick]

David Bazan is at the helm of Pedro The Lion doing a 10th anniversary tour for Control. You better fucking believe I'm singing every single word.

[valley_parade]

Oh holy fuck.

[Patrick]

On top of that I'm going with someone I've known since middle school (I guess she's talking romantically to my freshly-single drummer, who is in fact the reason I know of PTL) and her best friend, who is mad sexy and once asked me to come play "Bitches Ain't Shit" and Beatles songs at a house party.

[Lines]

Yesterday I pretended I didn't have a ton of homework and instead bought made room for and put up a Christmas tree.  Her name is Gloria.  Pics soon.

Yay! Also do you still have the little one? You should pretend it's Gloria's tree baby. I heard you like Christmas trees, so I put a tree in your tree so you can *fill in the blank*?

[Papersatan]

We do have the little one, I have put it on the kitchen table as a center piece.  Now two rooms are festive.

[snalin]

So I have an exam in 4 hours. I'm probably going to ace it, unless there's something from the last two chapters (out of 18ish) which I have no idea what is about, really. They're probably not going to show up at all, but I decided to look a bit at them. Just in case.

Turns out that the part of the book I haven't read starts with - without any context - a quote from Pride and Prejudice. Looking back, every part of the book has a quote attached to it, the three first by Austen, and the last one by one C. Stevens (this one?)

We all love to instruct, though we can teach only what is not worth knowing - Austen, from P&P
Are they implying that the methods taught in the book is not worth knowing, or that they are unteachable?

Allow me to say, ... , that the arguments with which you have supported this extraordinary application have been as frivolous as the application was ill-judged.
Before a chapter about applications of LP-methods. Hehe.

There is, I believe, in every disposition a tendency to some particular evil, a natural defect, which not even the best education can overcome
In my case, the defect seems to be posting instead of cramming. Or maybe not getting geometric interpretations of problems. Protip, educators; n-dimensional objects are really cool, but for the vast majority of us, they are not easy to visualize, so don't use them to help us understand what's going on unless there's really nothing else to work with.

It's hard. But it's harder to ignore it.
It hasn't been that hard to ignore that I should work harder at this course.