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[nobo]

Sorry to hear buddy

[Patrick]

stuff

Yeah man, definitely this - especially if you feel like you're not in control of yourself. Does the place you live have one of those free helplines you can call? They might be able to help you out and direct you to resources where you can get counselling for cheap.

Well I wound up talking about it to a close friend of mine. She got our entire group of friends involved, which basically meant distracting me while the one I'd contacted first went and dialed 911. I had a can of 4Loko in one hand and a combat knife in the other this morning.

Last night pretty much involved 3 police officers in my apartment, they asked me to come out and submit to a patdown and pocket search, which I did. They asked if I knew why they were there and I said "I have a decent guess". Wound up getting strapped to a gurney in an ambulance and driven all the way out in San Lorenzo where it's ghetto as fuck but they have a funny farm. I sat and slept in that shit for like 12 hours, shit.

Anyway it was finally determined that I was apparently the sweetest motherfucker out of last night's litter, I seriously had like 9 nurses individually tell me goodbye and that I should keep on truckin' no matter what it takes. Even hella patients wanted to say goodbye and wish me luck. Damn dude, hella support in that nuthouse.

[Graphite]

*hugs* Glad you've got those friends looking out for you. Did the docs/nurses give you some info for keeping yourself safe and getting some treatment and such?

[David_Dovey]

Dude stop drinking 4Loko

[glyphic]

I agree with Dovey. Also, are you going to seek professional help? It's a cliche question, but may be a good idea.

[Allybee]

a girl at my university committed suicide by lighting herself on fire sunday night, they found her yesterday barely alive and she died in the afternoon. I had never met her but a lot of my friends and peers were close to her so it is really sad. my good friend told me that she was beautiful and brilliant and we agreed that it is baffling that people have a hard time seeing themselves the way that other people see them.

please, everyone, take care of yourselves. there are a lot of people who love you and care about you even when it doesn't feel like it.

I'm also really sorry about your grandfather. last night I dreamt that mine was still alive and was dying, but I was living with him and my grandmother (this summer I did live with my grandmother who is very depressed now that he is gone). miraculously, towards the end of the summer, he began to act like his old self; we knew he was going to die but it was so awesome to see him again. the eerie thing is that I was talking to my dad this morning and he told me that he had a remarkably similar dream. while I realize that he probably dreams of his father often, and while I normally consider myself very rational in terms of these things, I like to believe that part of my grandfather is still with us, which I find comforting. I hope you can find some comfort somehow, too.

[Lines]

a girl at my university committed suicide by lighting herself on fire sunday night, they found her yesterday barely alive and she died in the afternoon.

Holy shit.

[scarred]

jesus fucking christ

[Wasteroo]

the exact same thing happened on the University of Washington campus last year, and one of my friends was only about 30 feet away to witness it. She was understandably pretty disturbed, and had to go through counseling and everything  

[scarred]

what? i live in seattle and i never even heard about that whaaaaat

[Alex C]

Man, why with fire? It's pretty metal, I guess, which is a plus, but that's about the only one that comes to mind.

[Wasteroo]

http://www.seattlepi.com/local/385728_fire31.html

[Lines]

Seriously though, I want to know why someone would choose to commit suicide with fire (though I'm probably better off not knowing). That's a really horrible, painful way to die.

[JD]

So my grandfather died Sunday.   It's not like it wasn't expected, the doctors gave him two months to live well over a year ago.   Almost a month ago they said he wouldn't last two more days.   Despite the fact that I am enormously glad he's not suffering anymore, I am sure going to miss him.   He was the coolest guy ever.   He rode a jet ski every weekend the weather would allow well into his eightees.  In fact, he retired from his third career at age 82 or 83 when the doctors told him he wasn't allowed to stand ten hours a day anymore.   

He taught me to waterski when I was all of five years old.
He once built rubber band guns for every kid in the entire neighborhood.
He was silly in a way that every time I would watch the Cosby Show as a kid, Dr. Huxtable's antics would make me think of him.
He drank and smoked like he was Don Draper from Mad Men, but didn't have the slightest bit of jerk anywhere in him.  The one time  he ever got mad at me, it was because I sank a boat.  I totally deserved it.
He had a huge collection of Playboy's, that me and my cousin used to swipe.
You couldn't go anywhere in town without running into someone who knew him.  Nowhere.

Anyway, I get to pack up my family and fly this weekend so I can bury my grandfather, and it is about the last thing in the world I want to do.

Your grandfather was a fucking badass.

[A Wet Helmet]

Yeah.  He was.   I didn't even scratch the surface of it.

[Patrick]

I agree with Dovey. Also, are you going to seek professional help? It's a cliche question, but may be a good idea.

Well I mean I really don't want to wind up back in that shitty place. And if they don't receive a phone call from a psychiatrist with my name mentioned in the conversation, they have my name, address, and basically my ass. I have no choice but to get professional help. And frankly I like it that way.

Seriously though, I want to know why someone would choose to commit suicide with fire (though I'm probably better off not knowing). That's a really horrible, painful way to die.

Because if you douse yourself in gasoline and light yourself up, there really isn't any turning back at that point. I can't really speak for anybody else, but I briefly considered that as an option because of that perceived merit alone. I decided instead that I wanted to overdose on codeine and Loko, because being incredibly intolerant of pain, it seemed like the most convenient option. And I'd be too busy being unconscious to give a fuck about my brain and other organs getting a chemical sledgehammer. The mixture of all the chemicals would render me effectively paralyzed and my body incapable of purging itself.

And now, if I could only manifest that kind of determination and desperation and use it to come up with something cool. Hell, that kind of shit is what invented the jet engine.

[Jimmy the Squid]

a girl at my university committed suicide by lighting herself on fire sunday night

The mother of one of my brother's friends did that when I was a kid. I think her daughter was like 12 at the time? Pretty fucked up way to go.

my good friend told me that she was beautiful and brilliant and we agreed that it is baffling that people have a hard time seeing themselves the way that other people see them.

This is pretty fantastic coming from you, Ally (You're lovely, by the way).

[jhocking]

Seriously though, I want to know why someone would choose to commit suicide with fire (though I'm probably better off not knowing). That's a really horrible, painful way to die.

This barely made the news:

http://www.chicagoreader.com/TheBlog/archives/2006/11/07/malachi-ritschers-apparent-suicide/

Note "indicate that he was deeply troubled by the war in Iraq and pinpoint it as a motive for suicide"

And that's probably why it barely made the news.

[Papersatan]

Seriously though, I want to know why someone would choose to commit suicide with fire (though I'm probably better off not knowing). That's a really horrible, painful way to die.

I assumed it was a way to force people to pay attention to your death and to talk about you.  Compared to dieing alone in your bedroom, setting yourself on fire in public forces people to acknowledge you and your death.  Two years ago a guy at my university set himself on fire in the cemetery on Halloween.  That is a suicide that cannot be quietly dealt with.  I think some of the feelings that can lead to suicidal ideation are those of being overwhelmed, helpless and ignored.  A public self-immoliation can seem like a solution to some of those things.  That is why it works for political protests as well.  It is hard for anyone in the community to ignore someone who is willing to endure that death. 

[Ptommydski]

This barely made the news:

http://www.chicagoreader.com/TheBlog/archives/2006/11/07/malachi-ritschers-apparent-suicide/

Note "indicate that he was deeply troubled by the war in Iraq and pinpoint it as a motive for suicide"

And that's probably why it barely made the news.

I mentioned this to Ally also. This chap was on Electrical Audio before he died.

[Slick]

Has anyone mentioned this dude?
Buddhist monk burnt himself in protest.

[Wasteroo]

FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

[Lines]

I am going to be moving in a few days! I have been on a "I am getting rid of everything that is useless" rampage the past few days. The first two garbage bags were mostly old drawings and shit from freshman year that have been taking up space and my third is just full of junk that I honestly don't know why I've kept for so long. It's kind of hard to decide what and what not to take with me to the apartment, seeing as how my bedroom will be smaller and I won't have much storage space. It's kind of nice to be getting rid of shit, but it's tiring! But so far I have what clothes, shoes, and books I'm taking. I already know which pieces of furniture are going, too, so now it's the other misc items and bedding that I need to sort out.

[Coward]

FUCK YOU I WON'T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME

Fuck suicide.

[Elizzybeth]

Speaking of mental health stuff (though on a significantly less sad note--I'm sorry, Ally, for your loss, and Patrick, I hope you begin feeling better), I've been having some trouble with anxiety lately--I've always run at a constant high level of anxiety, but I've had a few attacks lately that have each taken hours out of my day.  So I went to the student counseling center, where I spoke with a therapist who referred me to a psychiatrist who I went to see yesterday.  After a consultation, he put me on an antidepressant / anti-anxiety medication that I started taking last night.

Today I feel like someone just turned off the "stay awake" mechanism in my head.  I can't seem to stay awake for more than 20 minutes at a time.  I woke up at 9 am (five and a half hours ago), but I doubt I've been awake more than an hour and a half of that.  Thank goodness I don't have work or school until Monday, or this would be very much not okay.

What's hard to imagine is that I only took 7.5 milligrams of this stuff last night, and evidently some people take as much as 120 milligrams daily.  The sleepiness is better than anxiety attacks, for sure, but jeez I hope it goes away.

[Jimor]

Ellizzybeth: As always with medications, talk with your doctor/therapist about exactly what's going on when you take them. This might not be the right medicine for you, or the right dose. No reason to assume this is a normal reaction until you get more information. It does sound like the anti-anxiety part of it is working for you, and that's a good sign!

Patrick: It's very good to see you're getting help, and more importantly, welcoming it. Best of luck, man.

[Zingoleb]

I saw a man yesterday who looked suspiciously like Tom Waits, circa Small Change.

Today, a woman walked up to me with the words, "Excuse me, ma'am? Or...sir? Or... ...ma'am?"

Tomorrow I go to the mental health facility and hopefully get on E.

[Lines]

Oh GID...how you suck. Best of luck, dude.

[Johnny C]

This barely made the news:

http://www.chicagoreader.com/TheBlog/archives/2006/11/07/malachi-ritschers-apparent-suicide/

Note "indicate that he was deeply troubled by the war in Iraq and pinpoint it as a motive for suicide"

And that's probably why it barely made the news.

I mentioned this to Ally also. This chap was on Electrical Audio before he died.

christ almighty

[Jace]

OH FACEBOOK, YOU SILLY GOOSE YOU!

>copy/pasted post ragging on Obama's healthcare plan, saying there is nothing wrong with healthcare, the problem is poor people
>My four paragraph rebuttal to the statement
>Friend who posted it's reply:

omg i dont even wanna read this jace.
lol

[Wasteroo]

that means you win!

[Christophe]

Yesterday at work I got paid to read old copies of Rolling Stone magazine and eat pizza.

Which means today I'm going to get actual fucking work to do. Woo!

[Zingoleb]

I blew up on someone today for the first time in about two and a half years (not counting my father). This asshole has always ignored me, been condescending, talked down to me at every opportunity, and generally treated me like shit. I, in response to this, have talked to him like a decent person, gone out of my way to help him when he needed it (no thanks, but what did I expect?), generally tried to be above the way he treated me.

Today, in a discussion with a few people about the pros and cons of legalizing drugs, he decided to interject with, "Yeah, well, whatever, just let it kill off all the fags and liberals. Kill the transvestites, why should I care?" and without thinking I was on my feet, pointing at him, screaming and swearing at him and left. Before I managed to leave, he threatened to break my neck.

This was in my friend's coffeeshop, and she was there to see it all. I just went over there to apologize, and he was there. So was the Tea Party.

fffffffffffffffffffffffffffff get me out of this town someone please

[Graphite]

Oh man Zingoleb, that is the worst thing. You should not have to deal with that. Did the other people in the conversation at least back you up? Because if not, there is yet more evidence here for the whole "kill many of your close acquaintances" thing being warranted.

[Zingoleb]

No, the other people went on to host the Tea Party Rally. FUN TIMES.

The coffeeshop owner's husband said to me, "Well, he has a right to his opinion. His opinion's worth as much as yours - or as worthless." He wasn't being insulting, but I've been thinking on that a lot over the last few hours. Like, I literally cannot grasp how the opinion that I should be dead for being who I am is equal to the opinion of I should be proud of who I am, but at the same time I cannot claim that how I feel is somehow more or less important than how another does.

[Wasteroo]

jesus christ where do you even live? it is clearly Not The Town For You

[jhocking]

He lives in Real America.

[Zingoleb]

Albion, NY, population 5,000. They made a brochure to get tourists here - it mostly consisted of pictures of llamas, Santa, fishing, and one picture of Santa fishing. Sadly, he wasn't on a llama.

Go google map it. If all you're seeing is cornfield, you've got the right place.

[Graphite]

How soon can you move?

[Zingoleb]

January.

Though moving in the middle of winter is a bitch. Probably not till April/May.

[Graphite]

The coffeeshop owner's husband said to me, "Well, he has a right to his opinion. His opinion's worth as much as yours - or as worthless." He wasn't being insulting, but I've been thinking on that a lot over the last few hours. Like, I literally cannot grasp how the opinion that I should be dead for being who I am is equal to the opinion of I should be proud of who I am, but at the same time I cannot claim that how I feel is somehow more or less important than how another does.

Oh, if you ever have to have this conversation again, many people have had great success with, "His opinion backs up lots of pain and suffering for lots of people, and mine does the opposite, so in a basic 'who makes life horrid and painful for people in a direct way' assessment, my opinion is qualitatively less awful." But I've never lived in your town, so I am unsure.

[Patrick]

Move in with me, Ed, you know I don't give a fuck what your orientation/transition status/whatever is, a person is a person is a person. Also, an hour from San Francisco on BART.

Dear blerg,

Learning "Six Months In A Leaky Boat" for open mic. I might make it a Ted Leo night.

[Wasteroo]

whoa they actually have cornfields in NY?? clearly my state knowledge sucks, my mind is a little blown

so just now there was a HUGE barn funnel weaver in the basement and I had to kill it and I am more afraid of spiders than anything and I very nearly had a minor nervous breakdown in front of my girlfriend. but I manned up and did it!

but still, fuuuucckkkiiinnn spiiiiidddeeeerrrssssss

[Lines]

New York state has a lot of farm land. It's a huge, mostly country state. Also tedious to drive through because it's so fucking big.

[Ptommydski]

Zingoleb, why don't you kill literally everyone you know? I can't help but think you'd be doing the world a massive service.

Just planting seeds here.

[Patrick]

Yesterday I found out that a good buddy of mine passed away on the last day of July. Heart attack at the age of 58. He was still serving parole for a 20 year sentence on alcohol-related charges and would've been completely free about 2 weeks after he died. I was just about to give him a call, I wasn't sure why I hadn't run into him downtown. Now I know.

I really wish we'd been able to start a band like he wanted. Only reason we didn't while he was alive was because of the question, "Well, where the hell can we play? My parole restricts me from playing in any place that serves alcohol." Music kept him going though, he played bass and sang blues like a motherfucker. And he was always incredibly supportive of my playing. We'd play the Allman Brothers together.

I feel like shit, the last time I saw him was maybe a week before he died. He was driving his welding truck to a job and passed by my apartment as I was on my way to get job applications. He waved and drove off to that day's welding job. One week later he was gone and I was none the wiser.

I guess the reason I feel the most shitty about it is because he wanted me to play guitar on some original songs he'd written so he could give the recording to his sons and his daughter. Never even got the chance, either he was busy or I was busy. Now nobody gets to hear the songs he poured his love into. I only ever got to hear the one, and I count myself lucky, but what a damn shame.

[Zingoleb]

Aw, man, Pat. That sucks. I'm so sorry.

Zingoleb, why don't you kill literally everyone you know? I can't help but think you'd be doing the world a massive service.

Just planting seeds here.

I've considered it. But on a more serious note, I've been having this sort of struggle wherein I feel like I have two options - A) Go somewhere more liberal and accepting, or B) Try to make this place more accepting. A would obviously be the easier route, but I know I'm not the only person who hates it here - probably half my high school was pretty liberal, whereas the rest of the people around here are staunchly conservative - so it feels like I'm just leaving a problem for other people here. So with option B, how do I go about even changing that? I don't even know. Like, I could start some kind of LGBT support group? The nearest one is an hour's drive away. I still have no idea how to do that, though, really, and trying to find out on-line isn't helping. I feel incredibly stuck in terms of trying to help, and I feel like a coward running away.

[Lines]

A support group sounds like a really good idea! If you want to start one, post an ad on Craigslist and put up a few flyers in liberal friendly areas where you think LGBTQs would see it. I would recommend the first place be in a public place, like a coffee shop or something and if you're worried some dumbass is going to come and try to cause problems, ask a the police if they could have someone be there just in case. (The uni club that organizes the drag shows I was in always has a cop come by to be in the bar area just in case something happens. Nothing major ever has, but still it's a good precaution to have if you feel it's necessary.) If you want to make change, the best way is to get everyone together so you aren't fighting a battle by yourself.

However, down the road, if you don't feel like this is making any progress it may be best for you to move to an area with good support. It may leave this town the same, but at least you'll be in a more accepting community, which makes a big difference for some people.

[Jimor]

Patrick, condolences, that really sucks. One thing you might see is if he left any notes or scratch recordings of those songs and see if you can record something of them anyway. Even if they don't match his vision, I'm sure his family would appreciate having something like that.

Ed, A is probably the more realistic option. Get to a place where you can get your shit together and start leading a life that will make you happy. If you want to explore option B, though, see what the library or community center requirements are for a meeting, and give it a try. Maybe see if you can get a speaker on LGBT issues from a larger city nearby that might already have a support group or organization. You'll get a good idea of what level of support/opposition exists, and if nothing else, any people who do show up will at least meet some folks with common issues to talk with, even if you do end up leaving later.

On the home front, my uncle is finally moving out of my mother's place this week. For somebody who keeps telling other people what a nightmare it is living with her (after he basically lied about everything going on in order to get the invite for "a short visit", and really, the only "problem" is that my mother isn't much of a talker, so he's bored and unwilling to entertain himself, or help out around the house, or say "thank you"...), he sure is dragging his feet about getting into the senior apartment he's renting. We took him to IKEA for some household items, and I helped build the furniture he had ordered there last week, so hopefully by Monday he'll finally be gone.

[Lines]

I am moving Sunday and my kitty is staying with my mom. I am not happy about this. It may be better for him in the long run, but it sure sucks for me.