(Gtfo? Is that a thing people abbreviate these days?)
Yeah, I've seen it used a bit. Of course it's taken from the latin "tits or gtfo"
well, that made me smile for real despite everything that i'm going to blog about now. thanks est for possibly providing me with a new sig quote.
hello blog thread, remember me?
i'm that girl who doesn't usually mean to be a downer on the internet, so she avoids talking about her real and painful problems for the most part. but i kind of need to right now. so bear with me.
now, i may have mentioned having "some mild test anxiety" in the past...yeah i was lying about that. my performance anxiety is quite severe. severe enough to seriously fuck with my life. i had to withdraw from university because of it for a year, and i have only told one person i know about that in meat life (my boyfriend) because i felt so dumb and embarrassed.
i told people i know less well i'm just taking some time off so they'd think i'm just a slacker, but not a complete fuck up at every single thing ever. i still kinda feel bad for having done it. lying to people to make myself look better is kind of awful and i wish i were strong enough not do these sorts of things to anyone if i can help it. but hey, most of these people don't care that much about me and what i'm up to nowadays, so maybe lying to them is slightly less awful?
also there is a possibility i might just have general anxiety disorder. i would like to start seeing a shrink or something but i live with my parents and am not working because i'm back in school and on academic probation so that is my number one priority. there is no way i can afford to pay for it myself right now. they won't pay for it because my mom seems violently opposed to the idea because she is convinced it will cause dependence or whatever. medication is not an option cause i am a bit hesitant about taking any sort of drug because i worry too much about side effects. also it's a little awkward to ask THEM cause my mom is the main reason i need therapy in the first place. she is emotionally abusive for real guys. once she told me that she can't remember the last time she felt any genuine warmth towards me (!!). i think that was just so
unbelievably fucked up and uncalled for, despite any mistakes i may or may not have made. i get depressed everytime i remember it, and well i don't think i'm going to be able to just brush it off like i usually attempt to.
she made me have an actual nervous breakdown yesterday. i was panicking a little because i was trying to make arrangements to receive extra test time at university and it was the deadline for booking midterms and i had this overwhelming scary feeling that something would go wrong during the booking process even though all i had to do was fill out some forms and i am not too dumb to do that properly, but this was my first time actually using that booking system and i was just getting anxious that i might fuck something up somehow. it's happened before. it's one of the reasons i got kicked out of university. because of a series of silly insignificant mistakes on my part, not because i are no good at learnings in general. i'm actually pretty smart if i do say so myself, but i have mixed feelings about being at university. when i was younger, i used to think it would be like this super cool place where i'm surrounded by intellectual equals, but uh nope, hasn't been the case so far. i feel so lonely sometimes because i feel like there are only two people i know who are on my exact level intellectually: my dad, and a certain fairly new friend of mine, neither of whom are anywhere near me at the moment
. fuck, that sounded awfully snobby. i don't mean i'm the absolute smartest ever, there are some people i know who seem almost TOO smart and i feel like i wouldn't be able to keep up with them in a debate or whatever, and that would make me feel bad about myself and i know they wouldn't enjoy my company that much. based om personal experience, i know that i don't particularly enjoy talking to people who are less intelligent than i am because i just feel like i have to oversimplify everything i say, and also restrict myself to a very narrow range of topics. then i feel guilty for judging people, because i try to be tolerant for the most part and ahhhhh it all makes my head hurt.
anyway, i'm kind of getting off on a tangent to avoid talking about the breakdown itself. that's kind of a bad habit of mine. i'm very private sometimes, and i feel like maybe i go overboard with it, and that's unhealthy. then i met someone who made it easier for me to open up about all sorts of stuff, and i'm grateful to him for that. kinda love this boy. it's mostly platonic but maybe could turn romantic if we weren't involved with other people. his views on sex and relationships are so similar to mine that i feel like we could be quite compatible even though i'm a silly naive girl who still believes in soulmates. what does this have to do with the anxiety, you may ask? it doesn't , i just wanted to think about something positive for a sec. he's the reason i can be a bit more open with y'all now and i am so genuinely grateful to even know him. maybe dating would just screw it up. i can be a pretty lousy girlfriend who doesn't even want to go on more than one date a week for stupid selfish reasons. how am i ever going to be able to settle down with anyone if i need this much space from them? it's like i'm barely a real partner at all. why would anyone actually WANT to live with me? i'd probably tell them to gtfo my apartment after a couple of days. ugh stupid mean selfish me. also, fuck i'm rambling again. i really feel vulnerable right now. okay uh. so the story is that i was trying to finish everything with my midterm booking stuff. and my mom just kept bugging me about it. not in a nice concerned parental way (ie my dad sometimes. he tries not to stress me out if he can help it. i love him so much for it), just in an angry let's-put-more-pressure-on-anna way. i broke down from that and cried.
while i was crying, she kept telling me that i wouldn't be freaking out so much about all this if i tried to get everything done earlier. and you know what's fucked? i didn't even get angry at her about it, i just tried to explain as politely as i could despite the fact that i was sobbing hysterically that I KNOW MY PROCRASTINATION IS A HUGE PROBLEM BUT I DON'T NEED THE REMINDER RIGHT NOW and also i begged her to just back off a little and let me try to calm down. and fuck, she just did not back off, and i kept getting more hysterical and she kept criticizing me for CRYING and BEING IMMATURE and basically mockingly telling me to chill out (hate that even when i'm not upset), and i just kept APOLOGIZING because she just made me feel so very broken that i couldn't fight back. i wished my dad was there to protect me and i felt weaker than i ever have in my life and i felt frustrated that i am not able to calm her down like he can, and i was sad that he left me alone with her for a week for a silly non-business-related reason. then i blurted that out to her accidentally, and immediately regretted it because she mocked THAT too and said he wouldn't be able to help me become less fucked up and childish or something else equally awful. and she's kind of right, he wouldn't. he might just keep her from pushing me this far. if he were here, he would have because he loves me the way a parent actually should. but i shouldn't always rely on him for that. i guess i truly am weak and needy and immature. even though i like to pretend i'm not. i can't even stick up for myself, what's so strong about that. i have no real strength. i am not good at getting angry and fighting back. i'm naive and way too hopeful and believe everything will get better even though over the past 2 or 3 years my relationship with my mom has deteriorated even further. why would things get better if i make no real effort to fix them? i never make any effort to do anything ever, according to her. but i do try harder than she'll ever know.
hence the pressure. pressure from her + self imposed pressure + that one rare bit of slight dad pressure which is more meaningful than her crazy attempts to control me cause i have actual respect for him = breakdowns.
okay, that last paragraph was probably way too long. sorry. i didn't even mention the most fucked up part. sorry for the incoherent babble, internet. i will wrap this up. it may be a bit shocking, but don't freak out too much. really, just don't. um so...uh fuck this is awkward, how do i say this without sounding overly dramatic and corny? there was a brief split second where i thought "if she keeps this up any longer, i may actually end up killing myself" this freaked me the fuck out. i've never felt suicidal before, not even for a second. i try to stay pretty positive. even if things are fucked up. it works most of the time. but it's never been this bad before. also i wouldn't be ABLE to kill myself because i am at least strong enough not to do THAT. um okay. so what happened next? well sometimes she apologizes for making me cry, but in a half-assed and mean way that basically tells me everything ever is my fault. still it's better than getting the silent treatment for being pathetic and crying. what the fuck, like seriously what the fuck. who does that. what is WRONG with her. argh. but also i can't even be mad at her since she's going through a pretty rough time in her life cuz her brother has cancer. i'd feel guilty calling her names or something. she doesn't deserve that. maybe if we were closer, i'd know how to help her deal with that. instead i am just someone for her to lash out at lately. i feel helpless and incredibly sad.
i wish i could be a better daughter sometimes. i think i'm pretty okay usually but now maybe i'm not sure. i'm not sure of anything. ahhhhh.
mostly just wanted to vent. done lots of that here so yay. thanks for listening if you actually did, internet buddies!
if you though it was tldr; just realize that i am more fucked up than i normally seem, bawwwwww. and if there are typos or grammar mistakes or generally incoherent sentences in this post, it's because i'm actually crying right now and having an identity crisis. so don't be dicks about it kthx.
xoxo,
anna
