Comic Discussion > QUESTIONABLE CONTENT

WCDT strips 3681 to 3685 (19-23 February 2018)

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Emperor Norton:
Except Emily isn't just "good with computers". She is LITERALLY a super genius. She has done stuff that goes into the Arthur C. Clarke "indistinguishable from magic" level.

Honestly, I wouldn't consider being told that I'm not as smart as someone who is clearly on a level beyond 99.999999% of humanity as an insult. And I consider my intelligence to be one of my better traits (I've never felt intellectually challenged, not even at college. Most of the challenge I've faced mentally was boredom).

Emperor Norton:
Ehhh, keep in mind that the only one where he actually said that Emily was better was the super genius line.

He didn't say he found her funnier, he actually said that he thought they were both funny, just in different ways. And the "prettier" line was 1. He put prettier in air quotes, and 2. cut off, so we don't know what he was going to say. It could have been about what he finds attractive vs standard beauty, or that pretty didn't matter, or any other number of things. His wording was not "I find her prettier", It was "Even if she is "prettier"...". That isn't talking about from his perspective, that is talking from a general perspective. It's also not even taking it as a given that it is true.

I do think that he is not doing that well, but he was literally put in a situation where there is almost no answer that is going to fix it. Outside of outright lying, I'm not sure there was a response that would go well. (And even if he outright lied, who knows if she would believe any of it anyway. And if she does believe it, is deceiving someone you are in a relationship really a good idea? Or he could avoid the subject, which just makes her think that he is avoiding it on purpose... because of course it is true!)

brightwings00:

--- Quote from: Emperor Norton on 19 Feb 2018, 04:31 ---Except Emily isn't just "good with computers". She is LITERALLY a super genius. She has done stuff that goes into the Arthur C. Clarke "indistinguishable from magic" level.

Honestly, I wouldn't consider being told that I'm not as smart as someone who is clearly on a level beyond 99.999999% of humanity as an insult. And I consider my intelligence to be one of my better traits (I've never felt intellectually challenged, not even at college. Most of the challenge I've faced mentally was boredom).

--- End quote ---

I get that. I do think that what we see as intelligence owes a lot to education, and upbringing, and application thereat, and cultural and sociopolitical biases, and so many different factors that it's hard to quantify people on exact scales of smartness. There's a lot of criticism out there of the IQ system, for example, by people like Stephen Jay Gould and Keith Stanovich.

I also think that for Marigold, there's an emotional difference between Dale comparing her computer skills with Emily's and her computer skills with, say, Steve Wozniak's, and that emotional difference isn't negligible--nor should it be dismissed out of hand in a healthy relationship. If you use the whole "comparison is the thief of joy" mentality, it's better to focus on what she is and what she's proud of--"you're good at x, you do x, you're x and x"--instead of what she isn't (a super-genius, as traditionally pretty as Emily), and you tell the truth in a positive way which boost hers instead of framing it in a negative way.

Emperor Norton:
Here is the thing, and I think it is a problem we are developing as we become more aware, and more understanding of mental issues. Yes, we need to be more empathetic to people with issues. But sometimes, I feel we are getting to the point where we give so much leeway to people with mental issues, we completely abandon empathy for the people who are having to react to it.

Dale could have reacted in any number of ways to Marigold's irrational jealousy. When he realized what it was, he could have gotten angry. I mean, to be fair, that isn't a completely unreasonable response. "I was just talking with a friend laughing, and she immediately acts like I'm cheating on her!" He could have just been like "No, I'm not dealing with this." He could have laughed because he thought it was absurd. All of those would have been reactions where I would basically just say yeah, he is kind of fucking up.

What he is trying to do is deal with it, by being honest and then... in all honesty we have no idea the and then part. Because she reacts by cutting him off, not letting him finish what he was saying (which for all we know was a list of the things he thinks are great about her), and then stomping off. (which, in my opinion, refusing to even listen to what your SO is trying to say is much worse than anything Dale is doing).

Dale was put in a near-impossible situation and was clearly trying to be sympathetic, and yet still because he didn't come up with a perfect response he is being treated as though he is socially clueless by the people on the board. This idea that he is fucking up and is at fault for trying to reassure her, even if it wasn't in the way that people think is "best" (which by the way, depends on the person, I still believe based on her personality, that avoiding responding to what she said, would just cause her to believe that he didn't respond because it is true), is bullshit.

SpanielBear:
I think it's more a case of Dale doing the classic thing of answering the question that's being asked rather than the question that's implied. I don't think that's his fault or that it's something he should be castigated for, it's just that the nature of the discussion is completely different to what he first thought so he's been taken off guard. In a perfect world he'd be in tune with what his partner's red flags are and spot when they are triggered, but even the most loving of couples aren't going to get that right all the time.

At a basic level, I don't think Marigold cares whether Dale thinks she's the cleverest or funniest. What matters to Marigold is whether Dale cares for her. On an insecure level, living with the idea that someone is with you only because they haven't found someone better, with the continual paranoid belief that everyone is better than you-  I can see why Marigold would need some basic reassurance. Is that childish? Yeah, maybe. But anyone who thinks they are always adult about their emotions is in for a shock.

The point is, Dale isn't doing anything wrong, he's just being (briefly and unintentionally) emotionally illiterate- he's recognised that Marigold is jealous, but not why that is or how to resolve it. At the same time, Marigold needs to build up some emotional resilience and trust that when Dale says he likes her, he really means it. They're going to have to talk this out to grow stronger. Or else fall apart, break up, and end up having the same conflict over and over with each new partner until it finally clicks.

(Also- low self esteem =/= mental health problems. It often correlates, but isn't indicative. Not sure if that's what was being implied, but there was enough discussion last week about the risks of hasty pathologising that it seems worth mentioning here. It's fair to note that providing emotional support is hard work though.)

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