Yeeeesh... this hits a little close to home.
I'm 41. I have never really had dreams or ambitions. I've coasted through. I graduated, got an english degree, got a wife, had 3 kids, and eventually settled on a job as a cook.
But I don't feel like I've ever had a plan, or a goal, or any of that. I'm just always more or less content with everything. Things happen, and lots of the time they're cool things that I like, and I just let them happen. And bad things... just don't happen much. Or maybe since I have no goals or ambitions, it's really hard to throw me off course, so I barely notice bad things that would profoundly bother other people.
But recently... I've started wondering if there's more to life than just coasting through, being kinda chill, and not really doing anything. I have a vague sort of feeling of... longing. Like, I wish I wished for things. I want to want things. But I don't know how.
At least Martin could think of "well, I'd kind of like to be an old guy puttering around a workshop." I can't even get that far. People ask me what my dream job would be and I get a... blank. There's nothing I've ever really wanted to do, or felt like working toward. And it's not really limited to "job". People ask what I'd do if I had a million dollars... and I don't know. I guess fix up the house? What do people normally do with a big pile of money?
I know people seem to like the triumphant feeling of setting a goal and working to achieve it, but I have no freaking clue how they have goals. How do you get yourself to feel strongly enough about something to think you'd actually want to do it?
Sometimes I wonder if I'm a broken person, since so much of my internal experience seems to just not match at all with what I see other people experiencing.