Topic: Musician jokes! (Read 13342 times)

Bastardous Bassist · « **on:** 15 Feb 2006, 08:46 »

Okay, as far as I can tell, this hasn't been done before (I did a search), so let's just start posting musician jokes you know. I have a whole load of them, so I'll start off with some of my favorite ones:

Q: How do you know when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What's the difference between a musican and a large pizza?
A: The large pizza can feed a family of four.

Q: What's the difference between a dead saxophonist and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: How is a viola like a messy lawsuit?
A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Q: What is the deffinition of a quarter tone?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.

Q: How do you know the trombonist's child is on the playground?
A: He can't swing and doesn't know how to use the slide.

Q: How many violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but as soon he changes it ten others will change their own bulbs faster and more elaborately.

Q: What do you do when a drummer is in your back yard, bleeding?
A: Stop laughing and shoot him again.

I've got a few longer ones that I'll post later. For now it's ya'll's turn!

normz · « **Reply #1 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 09:13 »

What has 3 legs and a dick on top?

A drum stool *boom chik*

Misereatur · « **Reply #2 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 12:24 »

two musicians and a drummer enter a bar..

Q: how do you now when the stage is leveled?
A: the drummer is drulling from both sides of the mouth.

I'm a bass player so i used to know loads of drummer jokes.
i'll try to recall how the rest went

btw, I'm new here, hi.

Gryff · « **Reply #3 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 12:28 »

How do you know when a drum stool is level?
There's drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth.

How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. 1 to hold the lightbulb in the socket and 9 to drink until the room spins.

What do a drummer and a calculator have in common?
You have to punch information into both of them.

What do you call a drummer who just broke up with his girlfriend?
Homeless!

edit: damn, beaten to the first one.

Valrus · « **Reply #4 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 12:41 »

Quote from: Gryff

edit: damn, beaten to the first one.

Except you spelled it correctly.

KharBevNor · « **Reply #5 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 14:10 »

Q: What's the difference between a drum machine and a drummer?
A: You only have to tell the drum machine the beat once.

Q: How is a drum solo like a sneeze?
A: You can tell it's coming, but there's nothing you can do about it.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Twelve. One to change the bulb and eleven to say Joe Satriani could do it better.

Q: How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
A2: Just leave it out, no one will notice.
A3: One, but the guitarist has to show him how first.

Q: If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
A: Who cares?

Q: What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter?
A: Eventually the puppy stops whining.

Q: What's the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Q: What do you call ten bagpipers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk while they play?
A: To get away from the noise.

Q: How many country and western singers does it take to change a light-bulb?
A: 3. One to change the bulb, and two to sing about the old one.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Misereatur · « **Reply #6 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 15:09 »

Quote from: Valrus

Quote from: Gryff
edit: damn, beaten to the first one.

Except you spelled it correctly.

I'm aware of the bad spelling, but Gryff got the joke
so there was no need to be offensive.

now back to topic:
Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a neon light?
A: 11. One to change it and ten to say how the new models are cold and heartless.

M3gaBigh · « **Reply #7 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 19:55 »

A jazz player was hired to play with a symphony orchestra. The first
movement was fine as there were some really hairy solo's. However, during the second movement the jazzer started improvising furiously. After the concert the conductor asked what all the impro' stuff was about. 'well man the score said 'tacit', so I took it.

Q: "What do you call a drummer with half a brain?"
A: "Gifted".

A guy walks into a shop.
"You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a
Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agency."

Q: What's the last thing a drummer says in a band?
A: "Hey, guys - why don't we try one of my songs? ..."

Q: Why to bands need Roadies?
A: To translate what the drummer says.

Q: "What was the epitaph on the blues players gravestone?"
A: "I didn't wake up this morning".

Q: What kind of diary does a piano accordion player have ?
A: A year a page.

Q:What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A:Drool

Q: What's black and blue and laying in a ditch?
A: A guitarist who's told too many drummer jokes.

Q: Why do drummers leave their drum sticks on the dashboard of their car?
A: So they can park in the disabled carpar

Q: Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
A: So the rest of the band can understand them.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A drummer.

A Customer walks into a new shop on his street that sell brains.There are three glass cases,each containing a kilos worth of nice wet quivering grey brain. The first one says "Astrophysicist", and it costs $10. The second says "Avon Salesman" and costs $1000. The third says "Drummer" and costs $10,000. The customer is confused, and questions the salesperson. "why is it that the kilo of drummer's brains is so damned expensive?" he asked, the shop keep said,
"Do you know how many drummers it takes to get a kilo of brains?"

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Q: "How do you get two drummers to play in time?"
A: "Shoot one"

Did you hear about the bass player that locked his keys in his car? He had to break the window to get the drummer out

Q: What's the difference between a dead wombat in the middle of the road and a dead piano accordion player ?
A:The wombat was on it's way to a gig

Q: "What's the range of a fretless bass?"
A: "Twenty yards if you have a good arm"

Inlander · « **Reply #8 on:** 15 Feb 2006, 21:16 »

A joke about two instruments I love:

Q: What's a banjo used for?
A: Kindling for an accordion fire.

Also, if we want to get into jokes about specific performers:

Q: You have Sting, Rod Stewart, and Bryan Adams in a room, and a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Bryan Adams, twice.

Quote from: Bastardous Bassist

Q: What is the deffinition of a quarter tone?
A: Two oboes playing in unison.

I've also heard this one applied to tin-whistles.

Luke C · « **Reply #9 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 11:04 »

Hehe keep em coming. Theres plenty more!

pat101 · « **Reply #10 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 12:39 »

Quote from: Inlander

Q: You have Sting, Rod Stewart, and Bryan Adams in a room, and a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Bryan Adams, twice.

Good one.

Thrillho · « **Reply #11 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 13:11 »

I dunno if anyone's posted this one already:

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Saliva.

nescience · « **Reply #12 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 13:27 »

Quote from: Inlander

Q: You have Sting, Rod Stewart, and Bryan Adams in a room, and a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: Bryan Adams, twice.

Wrong.

Quote from: The fixed quote

Q: You have Sting, Rod Stewart, and Bryan Adams in a room, and a gun with two bullets. Who do you shoot?
A: YOURSELF.

Rubby · « **Reply #13 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 15:12 »

More More, please more. I would add to this but I only know one joke and it's not about musicians, so I wont post it.

HeroX · « **Reply #14 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 15:40 »

i think all the ones i know have been posted. it's not great, but i laughed the first time i heard this one:

Q: what do you get when you cross a drummer and a gorilla
A: a really dumb gorilla

IronOxide · « **Reply #15 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 16:01 »

There were two peoplee walking down the street, one was a musician. The other didn'thave any money either.

Q: What's the difference between a first and last chair french horn?
A: A minor second and half a measure.

Bastardous Bassist · « **Reply #16 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 18:28 »

Quote from: ironoxide887

Q: What's the difference between a first and last chair french horn?
A: A minor second and half a measure.

That's great. I've never heard that one before.

Mr. Oysterhead · « **Reply #17 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 18:37 »

Damnit! I snapped the G string when fingering a minor...

Storm Rider · « **Reply #18 on:** 16 Feb 2006, 18:48 »

I've heard that one before.

onewheelwizzard · « **Reply #19 on:** 17 Feb 2006, 15:02 »

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.

Vlishgnath · « **Reply #20 on:** 19 Feb 2006, 16:07 »

Best musical joke I've ever heard:

Three musical notes walk into a bar: C, D#, and G. Bar tended looks up, shakes his head and says "we don't serve minor's." D# sighs and takes off and C and G have a fifth between them.

IronOxide · « **Reply #21 on:** 19 Feb 2006, 16:53 »

A first grade teacher went around the room and asked the kids what they would like to do when they grow up.
The teacher asks one student and he says "When I grow up I want to be a lawyer!"
The second one says "When I grow up I want to be a doctor!"
The third one says "When I grow up I want to be a musician!"
The teacher says "You can't have it both ways, sweetie."

Rubby · « **Reply #22 on:** 19 Feb 2006, 17:01 »

Quote from: Vlishgnath

Best musical joke I've ever heard:

Three musical notes walk into a bar: C, D#, and G. Bar tended looks up, shakes his head and says "we don't serve minor's." D# sighs and takes off and C and G have a fifth between them.

Great joke, but wouldn't it have to be D#m?

Bastardous Bassist · « **Reply #23 on:** 19 Feb 2006, 17:12 »

Quote from: Rubby

Quote from: Vlishgnath
Best musical joke I've ever heard:

Three musical notes walk into a bar: C, D#, and G. Bar tended looks up, shakes his head and says "we don't serve minor's." D# sighs and takes off and C and G have a fifth between them.

Great joke, but wouldn't it have to be D#m?

No. Actually the joke only works with the Eb, which is enharmonically D#. You see, C and D# make an augmented second, whereas C and Eb make a minor third, and the two intervals are distinctly different.

adamb · « **Reply #24 on:** 26 Feb 2006, 11:17 »

Is that an SM57 in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Rubby · « **Reply #25 on:** 27 Feb 2006, 11:44 »

Quote from: Bastardous Bassist

whereas C and Eb make a minor third.

Or just a plain old minor since the deffinition of a minor is a minor third or flattened third.
edit: and as far as what I said before. I wasn't thinking of D# in relation to C, but as it's own scale. So in that case it would have to be D#m, but I should have gotten it because C and G have a fifth between them thing.

nescience · « **Reply #26 on:** 27 Feb 2006, 12:09 »

Quote from: Rubby

Quote from: Bastardous Bassist

whereas C and Eb make a minor third.

Or just a plain old minor since the deffinition of a minor is a minor third or flattened third.
edit: and as far as what I said before. I wasn't thinking of D# in relation to C, but as it's own scale. So in that case it would have to be D#m, but I should have gotten it because C and G have a fifth between them thing.

You crazy kids have flat seconds in your upper registers.

riotts · « **Reply #27 on:** 28 Feb 2006, 02:46 »

Q: How do you get a guitarist to stop playing?
A: Put sheet music in front of him.

Q: What did one guitarist say to the other?
A: I'm better than you.

Q: What do you throw a drowning guitarist?
A: His amplifier.

Q: What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A: Who cares? Neither is a guitar.

Q: How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?
A: He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

Kirbo · « **Reply #28 on:** 28 Feb 2006, 05:37 »

Well, as a drummer of 10 years, I must say why all the drummer bashing?

That being said, my drummer jokes.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?
A: The knock always slows down.

Did you hear about the drummer who got into college?

Neither did I.

Q:How do you know there's a drummer at the door?
A:Because he doesn't know when to enter.

SpacemanSpiff · « **Reply #29 on:** 01 Mar 2006, 17:03 »

Riotts wins the thread.

Also, because I'm a drummer as well, here are some drummer jokes.

Q: How can you tell a drummer is walking behind you?
A: You can hear his knuckles dragging on the ground.

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So they don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond?
A: One will mature and make money.

The horrible pun department presents:
Q: Why are drummers always losing their watches?
A: Everyone knows they have trouble keeping time.

And an all-time favorite:
Q: How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A: Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

confusedcious · « **Reply #30 on:** 01 Mar 2006, 19:10 »

While out on a hunting expedition a man is climbing over a fallen tree when his shotgun goes off, hitting him straight in the groin.
Rushed to hospital, he awakes from the anaesthetic to find the surgeon has done a marvellous job repairing his damaged member. As he dresses to go home the surgeon wanders over and hands him a business card.
'This is my brother's card. I'll make an appointment for you to see him.'
The man is shocked. 'But it says here that he's a professional flute player. How can he help me?'
The doctor smiles, 'Well, he's going to show you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.'

Q: Why was the piano invented?
A: So the singer would have somewhere to put her beer.

Q: How can you tell if there's a synth player at your door?
A: You hear a knock, but you can't tell if it's real or not.

Q: How many flautists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but she'll twist it back and forth for an hour until she gets it just right.

Q: Why is playing an english horn solo like wetting your pants?
A: Both give you a warm feeling but nobody cares.

Q: What's the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: Nobody cries if you chop up a clarinet.

Q: Why do trumpet players only use one hand to play their instruments?
A: The other one is busy

I could continue but this could take weeks ^.^;;

KharBevNor · « **Reply #31 on:** 01 Mar 2006, 21:44 »

Off-topic, but ZOMG HELLSINGPUFFS.

^_^ squeeeeeeee

Shaft · « **Reply #32 on:** 01 Mar 2006, 23:50 »

Quote from: Rubby

Quote from: Bastardous Bassist

whereas C and Eb make a minor third.

Or just a plain old minor since the deffinition of a minor is a minor third or flattened third.
edit: and as far as what I said before. I wasn't thinking of D# in relation to C, but as it's own scale. So in that case it would have to be D#m, but I should have gotten it because C and G have a fifth between them thing.

Actually, if you're talking scales, you need a flattened 3rd, 6th and 7th. Next person to mention melodic and harmonic minors gets a slap.

The flautist joke is cool.

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: Musician jokes! (Read 13342 times)

normz

M3gaBigh

nescience

HeroX

Mr. Oysterhead

Vlishgnath

adamb

nescience

riotts

SpacemanSpiff

confusedcious