Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 116667 times)

Spinless · « **Reply #100 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:16 »

That's pretty nice. My girlfriend is going to Indonesia.

Peet · « **Reply #101 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:16 »

Djakarta?

Spinless · « **Reply #102 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:17 »

Nah, she flew.

Cartilage Head · « **Reply #103 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:19 »

A guy goes into a bar with his giraffe.

The guy and the giraffe get wasted. The guy gets up to leave, the giraffe passed out on the floor. The bartender says "Hey, you can't leave that lyin' there!"

The guy says "That's not a lion.. it's a giraffe."

Thy Dungeonman · « **Reply #104 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:25 »

So, a seal walks into a club and goes dancing.

TheBoredOne · « **Reply #105 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:26 »

A Catholic priest, a Jewish rabbi and a Wiccan high priestess went fishing together.

The priestess said she needed more bait, so she climbed out of the boat, walked across the water, got some bait and walked back into the boat.

The priest then said he too needed some more bait. He climbed out of the boat, walked across the water, got his bait and walked back into the boat.

Stunned at this display, the rabbi decided he too could use more bait, so he climbed out of the boat and fell into the water.

The priest says, "Haha, should we have told him about the stepping stones?"

The high preistess replies, "What stepping stones?"

(I used to date a Wiccan.)

Spinless · « **Reply #106 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:50 »

Haha, I saw a retarded dwarf today, that's pretty funny right?

Peet · « **Reply #107 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:51 »

You shouldn't make fun of a retarded dwarf.

It's not big and it's not clever.

TheBoredOne · « **Reply #108 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:53 »

I see what you did there

Spinless · « **Reply #109 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:57 »

Sorry Pete, I feel like such a bell.

Peet · « **Reply #110 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:58 »

If it continues, give me a ring.

TrekkieTechie · « **Reply #111 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 14:08 »

Quote from: imapiratearg on 19 Jul 2007, 22:40

Quote from: TrekkieTechie on 19 Jul 2007, 11:33
Three men walked into a bar.

There were no survivors.
I like that.

The idea of some deadly bar annihilating all who cross it is almost inexpressably delicious to me.

Ã¶de · « **Reply #112 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 14:10 »

Quote from: Astaldo on 20 Jul 2007, 11:58

If it continues, give me a ring.

That doesn't make sense, Darryl is the one feeling like a bell, so shouldn't he be rung?

Thy Dungeonman · « **Reply #113 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 14:15 »

If he's the one ringing, he can give people a ring. By ringing.

Oli · « **Reply #114 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 14:53 »

Quote from: Ã¶de on 20 Jul 2007, 14:10

That doesn't make sense, Darryl is the one feeling like a bell, so shouldn't he be rung?

That's why it's in the really bad jokes thread.

Ozymandias · « **Reply #115 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 14:58 »

Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

TheBoredOne · « **Reply #116 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 15:08 »

My dog has no nose.

How does he smell?

Terrible!

CookedHaggis · « **Reply #117 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 16:29 »

Quote from: Ozymandias on 20 Jul 2007, 14:58

Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Two nuts are walking down the strasse. One ov zem was assaulted....peanut.

Also,

Three tomaytoes are walking down the street- a poppa tomayto, a momma tomayto, and a little baby tomayto. Baby tomayto starts lagging behind. Poppa tomayto gets angry, goes over to the baby tomato, and smooshes him... and says, Catch up.

Caiphana · « **Reply #118 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 16:53 »

That last one's from Pulp Fiction.

Good flick.

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #119 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 21:27 »

Vanilla ice is holding a seminar on teamwork in portugal! guess what it is called?
Stop! Collaborate! In Lisbon.

What did the robber shout at his victims while holding up a wet t-shirt contest?
"No sodden moves"

What do you call it when a famous, middle-aged physicist marries a hot grad student?
An entropy wife

mberan42 · « **Reply #120 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 23:16 »

Way to completely copy the 7/20/07 Diesel Sweeties comic. Comic #1800. Yeah, I read it too.

jhocking · « **Reply #121 on:** 21 Jul 2007, 03:42 »

delete delete o my kingdom for delete

Peet · « **Reply #122 on:** 21 Jul 2007, 09:40 »

Dude walks into the dentist and asks "Can you help me, I keep thinking I'm a moth". The dentist seems confused by this and wonders why the dude came to him when there is a psychiatrist right across the street. Why did you come to me when there is a psychiatrist right across the street?", he asks.

The man replies "Your light was on."

HeyBickley · « **Reply #123 on:** 21 Jul 2007, 11:17 »

What, no talking muffins?

Another one that doesn't really work as well in text, but is a favorite:

A man and his giraffe walk into a bar. They sit down and the man orders a couple of drinks. The bartender is curious, but he's seen tons of weird stuff in his life working at a bar, so he obliges. The man and the giraffe both drink for a few hours, until the man gets up, pays his tab, and heads out the door. The giraffe goes to stand, but in a drunken stupor, falls flat on his face in the floor.

The bartender, not wanting to start a zoo, calls out, "HEY! You can't just leave that lyin' there!"

The man pokes his head back in the door, looks at the ground, and shrugs. "That's not a lion."

ZJGent · « **Reply #124 on:** 21 Jul 2007, 11:54 »

A man is feeling knackered after a stressful day at work. In fact, he works at a very high-stress company, and it is making him feel pretty ill. He comes home and tries to relax, but as soon as he has got comfortable, there is a knock at the door. He goes to answer it, and standing in front of him is a SIX FOOT FUCKING ANT.

The oversized ant punches him in the stomach, and runs off.

The next day the man is feeling even more awful after work, and again he tries to relax when he finally gets home. But suddenly, there is a knock at the door. Feeling wary, the man edges open the door, when SMACK, the six foot ant is there, kicks open the door, knees him in the balls, and runs off.

By now the man is seriously ill, he is getting no sleep, and is plagued by this six-foot fucking ant knocking on his door and beating the shit into him. He can't tell the police, either - I mean, they wouldn't believe it. So anyway - the ant comes around, again, after the man has finished work, and this time, it belts him around the head. It runs off again. The man feels fucking awful, and, worrying he may have concussion, calls a doctor out. The doctor listens patiently to all the poor bloke's woes and strife over the past few days, and after a short pause, he says:

"Yes... didn't you know? There's a nasty bug going around."

---
(continuation past the point of 'really bad', to 'awful')

Later, the big ant was found beating up a chip shop owner and was arrested for assault.

Abattur · « **Reply #125 on:** 21 Jul 2007, 12:01 »

Roseanne Barr naked.

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #126 on:** 21 Jul 2007, 17:50 »

that isn't a joke, that is a crime against nature

and yes I admit it, I stole those jokes. I.......feel so ashamed

DoubleAW · « **Reply #127 on:** 21 Jul 2007, 21:36 »

My mind is scarred forever. Thank you, Abattur.

ChaoticEvil · « **Reply #128 on:** 22 Jul 2007, 03:55 »

A guy walks into a bar. He sets a talking frog on the counter. The frog asks the bartender if they have any grapes. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any pears. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any apples. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any bananas. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any watermelons. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any peaches. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any oranges. The bartender says "No".
The frog asks the bartender if they have any fruit at all. The bartender replies "The Aristocrats!"

Peet · « **Reply #129 on:** 22 Jul 2007, 05:02 »

Duck walks into a bar. "Quack" he says, "do you have any bread?"
The barman replies no, he just has beer and the normal bar snack kind of things.
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"
No, repeats the barman, he has only peanuts, pork scratchings and the like.
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"
The barman, now very annoyed, says again that he just has beer and bar snacks, no bread.
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"
The barman is furious by now and says "If you ask me that once more I'm going to nail your beak to the bar"
"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any nails?"
The barman replies in the negative.

"Quack" the duck says, "do you have any bread?"

mfpole · « **Reply #130 on:** 22 Jul 2007, 17:40 »

ahh
im pretty new here
but i can think of really stupid jokes sometimes

why can 50 cent be an elf?

because he can't wrap!!

what did the butt say to the doctor?

i have ASSthma!

the second one works better when told out loud

CookedHaggis · « **Reply #131 on:** 22 Jul 2007, 18:16 »

Bad in more than one way I guess:

What's blue and doesn't fit?

A dead epileptic.

Why don't tampons speak to sanitary towels?

Because they are all stuck up c****.

Thy Dungeonman · « **Reply #132 on:** 22 Jul 2007, 18:29 »

How many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

CookedHaggis · « **Reply #133 on:** 22 Jul 2007, 18:42 »

How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb?

One. But the lighbulb has to want to change.

Gurkburk · « **Reply #134 on:** 23 Jul 2007, 08:53 »

0bsessions · « **Reply #135 on:** 24 Jul 2007, 07:14 »

In an old Scottish pub, a gentleman walks in and sits in front of the bar, looking across it at the panoramic window behind. There's an old, crusty Scotsman sitting a few stools down, and after the gentleman orders his beer, the Scotsman speaks up.

"Ye see that house?" he asks, pointing out the window at a house standing across the fields. "I built that house. Laid the foundation with mah own hands, I did. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Housebuilder'? No."

He knocks back a shot of whisky, and the bartender sets another up.

"Ye see that barn?" asks MacGregor. "I built that barn. Raised the walls mahsel', and slathered red paint over every shingle. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Barnbuilder'? No."

He knocks back the second shot of whisky, and the bartender sets up a third.

"Ye see that boat? I built that boat. Laid the keel, set the rudder, raised the mast, all of it. But do they call me 'MacGregor the Boatbuilder'? No.

"But fuck one goat..."

Hairy Joe Bob · « **Reply #136 on:** 24 Jul 2007, 07:32 »

Two men in an airport bump into each other. The first man says 'I can't find my wife.'
The second replies 'I can't find mine either,what does yours look like?'
"Well", the first man replies, she's 5ft10, blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt and high heels. What does yours look like?'
"Fuck her", says the second man, "Let's look for yours".

An amnesiac walked into a bar. He said, "Do I come here often?"

Q: What do you call a little German who lives in a tin?
A: Heinz.

Q: What's black and really pissed off?
A: The reincarnation of Bernard Manning.

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out.. he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

An Irishman was driving along the motorway when he was overtaken by a lorry transporting turf to a garden centre.
'That's what I'll do when I'm rich', he says to his wife. 'Have me lawn taken away to be cut'.

Q: What do you call someone who covers his parts n chick peas, garlic and tahini?
A: A hummusexual.

RandomTax · « **Reply #137 on:** 24 Jul 2007, 09:49 »

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, candles are more obscure.

Patrick · « **Reply #138 on:** 25 Jul 2007, 19:29 »

What did the slightly insane smoker say in the forums when he finished a pack of cigarettes?

BUTTS LOL

Hairy Joe Bob · « **Reply #139 on:** 26 Jul 2007, 11:04 »

Two cough sweets walk into a pub, one asks for a gin and tonic and the other for a cider. The barman refuses to serve the red cough sweet her gin and tonic, but the green and white cough sweet is served very quickly.

"I thought we didn't serve cough sweets any more," remarked a watching bar maid.
"We don't as a rule," replied the publican, "but she looked fucking menthol."

Mellow D · « **Reply #140 on:** 26 Jul 2007, 14:43 »

'I was walking down the main street yesterday, pulling a string.
and the mayor came up to me
and he asked
"Why are you pulling that string?"
and i replied:
"Have you ever tried pushing one?"'

Caiphana · « **Reply #141 on:** 26 Jul 2007, 16:57 »

What's brown and sticky?

A stick!

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #142 on:** 26 Jul 2007, 21:36 »

a man ran up to me the other day screaming his head off. I asked him what was the problem. He SCREAMED, "It's All Around Me, IT'S ALL AROUND ME!!!" I asked him what was all around him, to which he replied, "My belt"

A friend of mine ran up to me the very same day looking distressed. He grabbed my shoulders, shoke me, and asked me to help him with his squirrel problem. I asked him what was wrong with him and squirrels, to which he told me, "They think I'm nuts"

Chrasstor · « **Reply #143 on:** 26 Jul 2007, 21:43 »

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

It's funny because it's true harharhar

yelley · « **Reply #144 on:** 27 Jul 2007, 00:20 »

why couldn't the bicycle stand up?

it was too tired.

Spinless · « **Reply #145 on:** 27 Jul 2007, 16:58 »

Guys, do we have a doctor? I've been feeling somewhat like a strawberry...

Peet · « **Reply #146 on:** 27 Jul 2007, 16:58 »

Let me get you some cream.

Spinless · « **Reply #147 on:** 27 Jul 2007, 17:00 »

Thanks, it made me feel much better. But...
Well...
Now I keep having dreams where I'm a pair of curtains!

Peet · « **Reply #148 on:** 27 Jul 2007, 17:01 »

Pull yourself together man!

Spinless · « **Reply #149 on:** 27 Jul 2007, 17:02 »

Pete, why doesn't anybody respond to my post? I feel like everybody is just ignoring me...

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 116667 times)

Spinless

Spinless

Spinless

Spinless

CookedHaggis

HeyBickley

ChaoticEvil

CookedHaggis

CookedHaggis

RandomTax

Mellow D

Spinless

Spinless

Spinless