Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 116707 times)

Orbert · « **Reply #50 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 16:21 »

I'd heard of it, but could never find any indication of why it was supposed to be so damned funny. Someone posted a version of it. Yeah, it was totally vile. Even if it's just supposed to be ad-libbed, I still don't see why that is supposed to make it funny.

camelpimp · « **Reply #51 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 16:50 »

It's SUPPOSED to be vile. It's supposed to be an ad-lib of the most disgusting shit you can think of off the top of your head.

None the less, this is funnier.

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #52 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 18:09 »

why does a chicken coup have two doors?
cause if it had four it would be a sedan

how do you pickle bread?
dildo

DoubleAW · « **Reply #53 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 19:54 »

I don't get the dildo one. It may take me a few minutes.

Liz · « **Reply #54 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 21:20 »

I didn't get it at first either, but it came to me after a minute. I chuckled.

Caiphana · « **Reply #55 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 22:02 »

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it.

How to you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it!

ruyi · « **Reply #56 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 22:05 »

what do you call the dude standing outside your door

matt

ruyi · « **Reply #57 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 22:08 »

and now, i shall distill a large number of popular jokes to their essence:

Q: what
A: TABOO SEX AHAHAHAHHHA

Blue Kitty · « **Reply #58 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 22:10 »

ruyi, you forgot the no arms and no legs part

Emaline · « **Reply #59 on:** 17 Jul 2007, 22:12 »

Oh man, guess what I heard.

Sheep, I'm a sheep herder.

Gridgm · « **Reply #60 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 02:35 »

a priest, a pedofile and homosexual walk into a bar

he orders a gin and tonic

Runs_With_Scissors · « **Reply #61 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 03:31 »

I heard that one at school... except the ending was dumber and it went along the lines if 'it was just one guy'.

Faker · « **Reply #62 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 06:25 »

Three men walk into a bar, one of the them is a bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.

Ã¶de · « **Reply #63 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 06:37 »

Three men walk into a bar and quip jokes by Bill Bailey.

tragic_pizza · « **Reply #64 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 07:02 »

Three men walk into a bar. You'd think one of 'em would have ducked.

Liz · « **Reply #65 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 09:58 »

Quote from: Emaline on 17 Jul 2007, 22:12

Oh man, guess what I heard.

Sheep, I'm a sheep herder.

You are my hero.

supersheep · « **Reply #66 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 10:49 »

This is the best one from that Uncyclopedia article:

Daughter blows her dad
while mother rimjobs son.
The Aristocrats!

YAY HAIKU.

Why did the little girl fall off the swing?
Because she had no arms.
Why couldn't she get back up again?
Because she had no legs.
Why would no-one help her?
Because she had no friends.
What did she get for Christmas?
Cancer.

philosopherqueen · « **Reply #67 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 11:13 »

Mooface, I think I'm in love with you.

Supersheep, can I have the recipe for your sig please?

Sorry, no jokes here... I am terrible at remembering jokes when I need em.

Elizzybeth · « **Reply #68 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 11:31 »

So this man walks into a talent agency with his dog and says to the agent, "My dog can talk." The agent raises an eyebrow and says, "Prove it."

The man turns to his dog and says, "Okay. What's on top of a house?"

The dog goes, "Roof! Roof!"

The agent shakes his head, so the man tries again. "What does sandpaper feel like?"

"Rough! Rough!"

The agent rolls his eyes and gets up from his desk to show them the door. The man says quickly, "Wait! Just one more, please! Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog goes, "Ruth! Ruth!" and the talent agent kicks them both out.

As they're walking home, the dog turns to the man and says, "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio."

Ozymandias · « **Reply #69 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 12:39 »

Did you hear Willie Nelson got run over?

He was playing on the road again.

0bsessions · « **Reply #70 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 12:51 »

Wasn't that dog one the plot of an old Warner Bros. cartoon?

Either way, both were wrong, the correct answer is Williams.

TheBoredOne · « **Reply #71 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 14:02 »

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a pitcher of beer and a mop.

Two cows are in a field, grazing.
One cow says to the other, "So, are you worried about mad cow disease?"
The other says, "No, why should I? I'm a helicopter."

CookedHaggis · « **Reply #72 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 15:40 »

Two cows are in a field, grazing.
One cow says to the other, "moo"
The other says, "Funny, I was going to say that."

CardinalFang · « **Reply #73 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 16:50 »

1: Knock Knock

2:Who's there?

1:Interrupting cow

2:Interrupting c...

1:MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Emaline · « **Reply #74 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 17:10 »

That cow one reminds me of something my friend used to do. She'd dial random numbers(or sometimes even friends) and as soon as the person answered, she'd just moo(one big long moo, like for 5 minutes or so), and then just hang up. Most people just laughed, but I think it pissed quite a few off.

TrekkieTechie · « **Reply #75 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 21:57 »

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender looks at him, asks "Why the long face?"

Really Bad Pickup Line:

Suitor: "Have you ever had your belly button touched?"
Suitee: "Yeah..."
Suitor: "From the inside?"

Johnny C · « **Reply #76 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 22:31 »

Quote from: TrekkieTechie on 18 Jul 2007, 21:57

Really Bad Pickup Line:

Suitor: "Have you ever had your belly button touched?"
Suitee: "Yeah..."
Suitor: "Oh. Well, see you later!"

Jimmy the Squid · « **Reply #77 on:** 18 Jul 2007, 23:44 »

A man goes to the doctor because he is feeling a bit ill. The doctor tells him that he will need to get a semen, urine and stool sample. The man replies "Gee, Doc, I'm in a big hurry. Can I just leave you my underpants?"

mooface · « **Reply #78 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 03:04 »

Why was Cinderella bad at baseball?
She had a pumkin for a coach and was always running from the ball!

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do?
Sit up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy."

Question: What lives at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
Answer: A nervous wreck!

RobbieOC · « **Reply #79 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 03:56 »

Q: What's big and green and if it falls out of a tree will kill you?
A: A pool table.

Q: What is Michael Jackson's favorite thing about twenty eight year olds?
A: There's twenty of them. (But gosh darn, I do love Michael anyway.)

History joke:

Quote

A millionare goes to the doctor and finds out that he is going to die in two weeks. He has had three passions his whole life and before he dies, he decides he wants to indulge all three so he can be happy. These three passions are art, history, and Paris. So, he cals an artist friend and tells him that he is going to Paris for two weeks, and when he comes back he wants the artist to have painted a mural on his wall. He wants the artist to paint Custer's last stand, so he can get both art and history in one go. So, he leaves and has a great time in Paris. When he returns, the artist is waiting outside his house, shaking with anticipation. He tells the millionare "It may be a little more abstract than you were wanting, but I think it's brilliant!" The millionare tells him he is sure it is OK, and asks to see it. The artists leads him to the painting and pulls the sheet off the wall to reveal it. The millionare is shocked. On his wall is a painting of a cow with a halo over his head and a whole bunch of Indians having sex with each other. He looks at the artist, not sure what to say, but the artist fills the silence. "I know it looks wierd now, but wait til you hear what I've titled it!" The millionare indulges him and asks the name of the painting. The artist smiles and says:

"Holy cow! Look at all the fucking Indians!"

Faker · « **Reply #80 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 05:43 »

Quote from: Ã¶de on 18 Jul 2007, 06:37

Three men walk into a bar and quip jokes by Bill Bailey.

I admit the joke was neither bad nor mine, but felt it had to be put out there. So in a continuing bout of plagarism...

Three blind mice go into a pub. However, they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitataive.

0bsessions · « **Reply #81 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 07:21 »

A Yankees fan, a Cubs fan and a Red Sox fan stumble across a genie. The genie tells them he will grant each one wish if they are willing to be whipped.

The Yankees fans says he's willing to take five lashes to see the Yankees win the World Series.
The Cubs fan says he's willing to take ten lashes to see the Cubs win the World Series.
The Red Sox fans says he's willing to take a hundred lashes to see the Yankees fan strapped to his back for them.

SusurrusIgnoramus · « **Reply #82 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 08:08 »

i know i'm new here, and i normally don't post in new communities the day i join, but i couldn't resist posting this joke... keep in mind, it's really REALLY bad. my boss found it hillarious, and of course i "laughed".

a marine comes back from iraq and is interviewed by none other than chealsea clinton. he regales her with all his battle stories, and at the end, she says:
"Wow. You're really brave! You must not be afraid of anything!"
to which he replies: "Actually, I'm afraid of three things."
"What're they?" she asks.
"Osama, Obama, Yo' Mama."

... ugh... sorry

ruyi · « **Reply #83 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 10:06 »

oh huh. i was confused for a moment when you said you were new but then i realized your avatar is the same as chupones's. in anycase, i don't think he's using it anymore, but welcome!

SusurrusIgnoramus · « **Reply #84 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 10:18 »

thanks for the welcome... i'm disapointed someone else has my avatar, though. i just found it yesterday. i thought i was all original!

imapiratearg · « **Reply #85 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 10:24 »

Quote from: godinpants on 17 Jul 2007, 03:55

A pirate walks into a bar with a ships wheel down the front of his pants, and the bartender says "whats with the wheel?"
The pirate says "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts"
(Somewhere I have a bootleg of Ben Folds singing this joke)

I absolutely MUST hear this.

TrekkieTechie · « **Reply #86 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 11:33 »

Three men walked into a bar.

There were no survivors.

thegreatbuddha · « **Reply #87 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 12:21 »

Q: Why did Hellen Keller's dog run away?

A: You'd run away too if your name was WAAAHWAAAAHWAAAHWAAAH

Jesus walks into a bar. You think being the earthly vessel of the all-powerful, one true God, he would have ducked.

Liz · « **Reply #88 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 20:12 »

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
- They all have phones.

How do you describe the average cannibal?
- A guy with a wife and ate children.

Hunter · « **Reply #89 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 21:14 »

This one is kind of hard to do over the internet but here I go:

How do you get an elephant into the subway?

How?

You take the s out of sub and the f out of way.

There is no f in way.

Spike · « **Reply #90 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 21:46 »

EDIT:This proved to be longer than I imagined it would be.

An elderly woman walks into a bank and tells the clerk that she wants to open an account, but won't deal with anyone but the President of the bank. The clerk tells the woman that he can open the account, but the woman insists on seeing the President. The clerk informs the President, and not being one to turn away a customer he meets with the woman. When it comes time to make the initial deposit the President asks her how much she would like to deposit. She picks up a bag full of money that she was carrying with her and says that she would deposit that money.

The President then asks the woman, "How did you get all this money?"

She responds with, " I am a businesswoman. I take risks, and profit. Speaking of risks, how would you like to make a bet?"

"We are very careful with money at this bank," replies the President.

The woman dismisses his protest, and says "Nonsense, you are a businessman. I bet you $500,000 dollars that your balls are square. I will return tomorrow at eleven o'clock, and we can settle this wager."

The President goes home, and is slightly disturbed by the happenings of the day. He's standing in front of the mirror looking at himself saying ," They are not squre. Are they?"

He goes to work the next day, and eleven o'clock rolls around. The elderly lady shows up, but with a very distinguished looking gentlemen. The President asks the woman who this man is.

"He is here to make sure that everything is legitimate, now drop your pants," she says.

So the lady starts fiddling with them. This is all very disturbing for the President, but what really grabs his attention is that the gentlemen that accompanied the woman is now banging his head against the wall.

The woman then stands up and says, "Well, they aren't square. You win the bet."

The man is still banging his head against the wall at this point and the President asks the woman, "Why is he banging his head against the wall?"

"I bet him one million dollars that I could get your balls in my hand before noon today," she responds.

HellPuppi · « **Reply #91 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 22:27 »

Two olives are sitting on a fence. One falls to the ground and the other yells down: 'Holy crap! Are you okay?'
He yells back "Olive!"

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall?
Art

imapiratearg · « **Reply #92 on:** 19 Jul 2007, 22:40 »

Quote from: TrekkieTechie on 19 Jul 2007, 11:33

Three men walked into a bar.

There were no survivors.

I like that. Kind of like this:

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with an erection. There were no survivors.

While we're on the topic. Any of those Chuck Norris jokes belong in here.

jhocking · « **Reply #93 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 04:26 »

Quote from: imapiratearg on 19 Jul 2007, 22:40

Any of those Anal Prolapse jokes belong in here.

Note the word filter. Jokes about... him are not welcome here.

Eris · « **Reply #94 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 06:19 »

Anal prolapses are not something to joke about. They are serious, people. I am disappointed that someone even suggested joking about them.

tsk tsk

bujiatang · « **Reply #95 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 06:41 »

Two professors in philosophy go on vacation to Greece. To unwind they are at a nudist resort enjoying the scenery.

The one looks at the other and asks "Have you read Marx?"

"Yeah, I think it's these wicker chairs"

TheBoredOne · « **Reply #96 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 10:37 »

Edit: I'll make better use of this post.

A Papa bear, a mama bear and a baby bear were talking a walk through the woods.
When they came home they decided to take a bath.
Papa bear asked Mama bear to pass the soap, to which she replied, "No soap, radio."

Peet · « **Reply #97 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:14 »

My girlfriend is going to the West Indies on holiday.

Spinless · « **Reply #98 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:14 »

Jamaica?

Peet · « **Reply #99 on:** 20 Jul 2007, 11:14 »

No, she went on her own.

THESE FORUMS NOW CLOSED (read only)

Author Topic: THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD (Read 116707 times)

camelpimp

philosopherqueen

CookedHaggis

mooface

HellPuppi

bujiatang

Spinless