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The Funniest Quotes

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Tenge:
Heh, more Black Books fans huh?

Bernard: "You know what you are? A beard with an idiot hanging off it."

"Oh the songs, Jim. Ohh! They'd melt your face!"

I'd pay good money to find that in .gif or t-shirt form.

Lastly, one from Dylan Moran that has alway made me chuckle:

"I love what you've done with the place, but this place is a prison, essentially, as much as you all like to deny it. I've seen insects with kneepads and you live approximately three quarters of a mile away from the sun." - On Australia :)

Thnikkaman:
Eris and I just had a gabbly conversation full of black books quotes. Here's some of the highlights:


I can't even get a refund because it's full of bloody spoons!

FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE FLAKE

I ATE ALL YOUR BEES
Fucker

My coordinates are... BOOKSHOP!

What other grown man makes soldiers from his runny egg and divides them into rank?
Don't touch the colonel! It'll upset the rest of the men...

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

She thinks I'm some sort of reclusive genius. She's going to very dissapointed when she discovers that I'm a reclusive wanker

No! No! You're my summer girlfriend - you don't get angry. You throw your hair back and laugh as we bicycle around the Cotswolds in a taxi. You flick the cherry off the pie and only eat the cream because that's what Aunty Nibs used to do

"There's nothing wrong with my mind!" "You're wearing an accordian."

KharBevNor:
Classic Simpsons:

Homer: I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty. And if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called... "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."


Lionel Hutz: Oh no, we've drawn Judge Schneider.
Marge: Is that bad?
Lionel Hutz: Well, he's had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog.
Marge: You did?
Lionel Hutz: Well...if you replace the word "accidentally" with the word "repeatedly" and the word "dog" with "son"...


Lenny: Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime!
Homer: Ah, you go ahead.
Lenny: Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those stomach staples?
Homer: As Tolstoi said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."

Monorail operator 1: Hey, can't we just turn off the power?
Monorail operator 2: No such luck. It's solar powered.
Monorail operator 1: Solar power! When will they learn...

And a few Ralph Wiggums:

Me fail english? That's unpossible!

I bent my wookie!

I'm a brick!

Yay, sleep! That's where I'm a Viking.

Thnikkaman:
Homer Simpson: The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother! I call him Gamblor, and it's time to snatch your mother from his neon claws!

JLM:
Simpsons again:

Jebediah Springfield: A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man!

Mrs. Krabappel: I never heard that word "embiggens" before I came to Springfield.

Ms. Hoover: I don't understand why!  It's a perfectly cromulent word!


My favorite will always be Mr. Burns' old-timeyness:

Burns: You there!  Fill it up with Petroleum Distillate and re-vulcanize my tires, post-haste!

Burns: No, No!  I thought, I'd, um, chauffeur myself tonight?  I mean, how hard can it be?  I'm sure the manual will indicate which lever is the velocitator and which the deceleratrix, hm?

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