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THE REALLY BAD JOKES THREAD

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Josefbugman:
Oooh Limericks!

That Warrior Coriolanus
did several things that were heinous
he poisoned the cat
set fire to my hat
and now he's been sick in my trainers

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow
A frenchman put a match to it and now its all aglow.

Little boy blue, come blow your horn, you must be very supple.

Jace:
Now is the time that I wish I had that dirty limerick from the english major friend of ours. It was excellently written.

Zingoleb:
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Do you smell something fishy?"

Yayniall:
A Duck walks into a bar and says 'Excuse me barman, can I have a beer and a sandwich please?'
 
The barman looks at him and says, 'But you're a duck'.
 
'I see your eyes are working', replies the duck.
 
'And you talk!' exclaims the barman.
 
'I see your ears are working', says the duck, 'Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?'
 
'Certainly', says the barman, 'sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'
 
'I'm working on the building site across the road', explains the duck.
 
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
 
This continues for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
 
The Ringmaster of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!'
 
'Sounds marvellous', says the ringmaster, 'get him to give me a call'
 
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!'
 
'Yeah?', says the duck, 'Sounds great, where is it?'
 
'At the circus', says the barman.
 
'The circus?' the duck enquires.
 
'That's right', replies the barman.
 
'The circus?' the duck asks again.
 
'Yes' says the barman.
 
'That place with the big tent?' the duck enquires.
 
'Yeah' the barman replies.
 
'With all the animals?' the duck questioned.
 
'Of course' the barman replies.
 
'With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle', asks the duck.
 
'That's right!' says the barman.
 
The duck looks confused.
 
'What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?'

Yayniall:
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.


I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."


I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby.
They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."


I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'


I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."
I said "No, just a watch."


I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."
The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"


My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."


I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.


I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.


I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.


The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."


I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."


This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."


I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."


I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"


This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says
"Audi!"


I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"


I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.


I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.


I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
 I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.


I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

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